Alone
by Billini
Summary: Lauren Hawke has always been the perfect daughter and sister, willing to protect those who were dear to her heart. But in the end she lost everything and finds herself badly injured after the fight against Meredith and facing a life which seems bleak and lonely to her. Can the elven warrior who has been her closest friend through the years convince her that there is still hope?


When it was damp outside, the pain in her leg was even worse. Like today. She woke up early in the morning and moved carefully to clench and unclench her muscles. The first movements brought sweat to her forehead, but afterwards she felt better.

In the meantime Lauren was able to see the progress she made, even though every step was - literally – a small one. Probably Fenris and his merciless way of pushing her was the reason for it. A long time ago she stopped moaning in front of him and did it instead all by herself. But even then he realized it because he knew it from himself: The withdrawing from the world, the sinking into bad thoughts, the increasing impatience against everyone and everything. More than one time he had torn her out of her thoughts. More than one time she had hated _him_, but he had endured her behavior stoically and steadily.

She got up slowly and went to the window while her mabari Cyranus pushed his head under her hand and silently asked her to pet him. She did it tenderly while watching the city which had been her home during the last months.

Highever was a typical Ferelden city with massive grey buildings and walls covered in ivy. In the distance, Lauren was able to see the ocean. Technically it had not been her plan to stay here, but the urgent escape out of Kirkwall had brought her on the first ship which had gone over the _Waking Sea_ to the Bannorn of the Couslands. Once arrived, Lauren had stayed for a time she could not remember clearly in one of the refugee camps while Anders had tried to save her legs. Being buried under one of the massive statues Meredith had brought to live during the fight had not been one of her best ideas. But well, this was how fights sometimes ended, and even the mighty Champion had not been able to escape this unpredictable event.

She smiled bitterly. Unpredictable… when it had happened, the pain had been nearly unbearable. Probably that was also the reason why Cullen had decided to let them go. He had not expected her to survive. She also had wished more than one time that she had died, but neither Anders, nor Fenris had allowed her to go.

In the meantime the healer had left her. It had not been save for him in the city anymore, especially after Fergus Cousland had realized the presence of the Champion under the refugees and invited her to live in his home. King Alistair had sent her a letter and offered her to come to the court, but also mentioned that he would not be able to ignore what Anders had done. So he had left.

_„Do you hate me for what I did, Lauren?" Brown eyes looked into hers._

_She did not hate him. **She** had been the one who supported him through all these years, who ignored what he planned so obviously, who gave him everything he asked her for in memory of her sister who had died in the Deep Roads years ago._

_„No", she answered quietly. __„No, I don't hate you. Just seek shelter, Anders!"_

_He nodded slowly and raised his hand to her cheek. She still saw feelings in his eyes, feelings for her he never really had been able to put down, not in all those years. But they had changed, from the formerly burning passion to a gentle affection. _

_„Will you stay with her?" _

_The question had been addressed to Fenris who stood next to her. He nodded._

_„I don't need a babysitter", she said harshly. Years ago she had never been angry, but diplomatic and thoughtful. Now it seemed this woman had died more and more after losing Bethany in the Deep Roads. _

_Fenris ignored her and watched Anders instead. „Go. I will stay with her!" _

_The healer nodded, kissed her forehead and left into the night…_

She had refused to argue with Fenris because she had known how stubborn he could be. But during the following weeks and months she had again and again mentioned to him that he should leave her and live his own life. But still he was here, steady and faithful at her side, untouched by her moods and sudden fits of temper. What should become better, seemed to be getting worse day by day. In the meantime the thought that he might really one day leave was causing panic in her. But still she was not able to stop herself from affronting and challenging him.

How bitter had she become that she treated her only and closest friend like this? She hated herself for what she did, like she hated herself for so many other things: That she had not been able to save Bethany, that she had abandoned her mother, that she had not been quickly enough at the side of her brother when the Oger had charged. When her father had died, she had vowed that she would always take care of her family. But she had failed miserably. Only fighting at Anders' side had made any sense, but now, injured and weak like she was, also this last purpose had been taken from her.

Cyranus barked next to her and started to waggle with his tail when Fenris appeared in the courtyard below. He was walking at Fergus' side and talking to their host who was laughing right now and putting his hand in a friendly way at the shoulder of the elven warrior. Fergus Cousland was a big-hearted man who had found happiness with his second wife and child after losing his first to Rendon Howe's betrayal of his father.

The bitterness inside of her changed into a tight knot which seemed to steal the air to breathe from her lungs. She had also once hoped to have her own family. The relationship with Richard had been perfect: He had been a noble from Kirkwall, friendly und good-hearted, but with enough temper to also argue once in a while. But in the end, she had to find out that his love for her had not been strong enough to follow her into her fight for the mage's rights. This never ending conflict as well as his jealousy against Anders and Fenris had poisoned their relationship more and more, until she had ended the engagement.

Alone.

She was alone. Not capable of keeping and protecting one person at her side. And her only friend stayed at her side because of his sense for duty and misplaced loyalty which she did not deserve at all.

She inhaled deeply, put her clothes on and left the room. The servants greeted her in a friendly way, and she forced herself to smile. On her way downstairs she had to steady herself at the handrail and take care that nobody could see her pain.

Below the two men entered the entry hall. A childish cry rose, then Fergus' daughter Eleanor ran into the arms of her father. He laughed and lifted her while she was chatting enthusiastically and stroking some strands of Fenris hair. He allowed her to do so, then apologized and approached Lauren carefully, his green eyes piercing and clear.

She knew that look upon his face. He had become wary and careful while being with her. She had challenged him too often these last weeks. In his eyes she had to be a real fury, because even his unshakable patience crumbled more and more. But maybe then he would finally do what he should have done a long time ago: Leave and find his own life.

"How are you doing today?" he asked, his deep voice calm.

She shrugged, but before she was able to reply, Fergus called from below: „Lauren, come into the garden later on! The rain should be over soon, and we can enjoy the last sun of the day!"

She had no intention of watching her host and his family while being happy and content, but she was also her mother's daughter, well-educated and polite, so she nodded, while he added: „You too, Fenris!" The elven warrior bowed with a small smile. He had learned that it was more than difficult to deny Fergus Cousland a wish.

Silence spread between the two of them while their host and his daughter went into their private rooms. As always Fenris seemed to be rarely out of breath after this training with Fergus, and his hair was damp from the summer rain outside.

„I am going to freshen up", he said after a long moment and passed her. She only nodded and let him go, feeling his eyes follow her while she left.

As Fergus had predicted the rain stopped and the sun was shining again brightly. Eleanor played in her sand box and presented the sand cakes she baked proudly to Cyranus while Sharon – Fergus' wife – was sitting next to Lauren and was knitting. Fenris and her husband were playing chess and talking to each other.

Hawke was quiet and Sharon let her be. The other woman had learned early that she wasn't interested in small talk, and Lauren was thankful for her patient and thoughtful demeanor.

When night was falling, they went inside the house and met to have dinner together, like every evening. As always Fergus was talking loudly, laughing and teasing, good-humored and relaxed. It was the same like all the other evenings before, but from one moment to another Lauren could not bear it anymore. Again and again she saw Fenris' eyes lying on her, a small frown on his forehead. When she finally looked at him, challenging and with a raised eyebrow, he simply returned her look.

Why couldn't he see that he should leave? Staying at her side was pointless. Even though he might like this place, she knew that there were so many other places he could discover, now that he was free. But he would never do so, no matter what she did, no matter what she _said_, because deep in his heart and soul he was loyal to the death.

And finally she knew what she had to do.

If he would not leave, she had to go.

She stood up slowly and apologized with the words that she was tired. Fenris also moved, but she shook her head and said: „No need, Fenris. It's just one of the worse days. There will also be better ones again ."

Due to the fact that she was not sure if he had not followed her to her room after all, she waited till after midnight and only took a few things with her. Then she left her room in the middle of the night with Cyranus at her side and waited for the change of guards to leave through a side entrance and disappear between the trees of the wood nearby.

It had started to rain again, but the drops felt warm on her heated skin. Cyranus was running ahead, following an animal's trail, but never going really far. She knew that she had to bring as much distance between the castle and herself as possible till the morning. When Fenris realized that she was gone, he would do everything to find her.

Eventually she realized that part of the dampness on her face came from tears. Tears she had not been able to shed for months. It was silly of her, but deep within she regretted leaving this peaceful place. But the thought of staying and poisoning it with her jealous and self-hatred behavior was even worse.

Suddenly she stumbled over a root and fell to the ground. A bitter, teary laugh came over her lips. Cyranus appeared within seconds at her side while she was staying where she was. She was a cripple, not able to function in this world without help, and yet she had to do so. There were no words to describe how much she hated the sniveling and weak person she had become during the last months. The Champion? She could barely remember this woman anymore who had always been so optimistic, willing to find compromises and solutions, only to fail in the end.

„What are you doing?" a gentle voice asked behind her.

She closed her eyes and answered bitterly: "What does it look like?"

„Like something utterly foolish!" came the dry answer, and Fenris was crouching next to her.

When he lifted his fingers to her face she shook her head. "Let me be!"

He sighed, in the same way he always sighted when he thought she was behaving childish. Normally she argued with him, but there was nothing left within her able to fight. She felt hollow, weak.

„Why do you want to leave, Hawke?"

„Don't call me this", she whispered and felt his frown. "I have a name!"

He watched her silently. His white hair was damp, as well as his eyelashes. Had they always been so long? And had his lips always seemed so soft?

She was so damn tired… and starving. For attention, for being close to somebody, for getting an embrace which did not only follow when her bones were set. For affection and the certainty that there was somebody who would never leave her. In all these years she had never allowed any of her companions too close, because it had seemed unprofessional to her. But during the last months, she had thought more than one time how it would feel if Fenris came to her because he ached for her, and not because he thought he had to stay at her side as a friend.

The thought only made things worse. Maybe that was also the reason why she was now on her knees in the rain and cried like a stupid little girl…

„Lauren!" His voice sounded soft… and suddenly she could not bear it anymore, pushed him away and tried to flee. She only came a few steps far, than his arms closed around her from behind, and she was hauled to his body. Cyranus watched them warily and started to bark when Lauren tried to free herself from Fenris' embrace.

„Stop it!" His voice sounded impatient and rough. „What is wrong with you?"

„I…" Her shoulders sank, and she stopped struggling. Then she whispered: „Please leave me."

His body went rigid behind her. She had already said these words so many times before, but never in this tiny and shaky voice. Eventually he asked: "Why, Lauren?"

_Because I will lose you as well... _

_Because I cannot bear the thought of living without you …_

Without his voice and small smirk, his strength and stubbornness, his patience – and impatience – his humor. In all those years in Kirkwall he had been her shield, but here he had become so much more: Her anchor when she was not able to see the ground anymore, her compass and light in the darkest night.

She could not tell him… but maybe she should do it, because if there was anything Fenris could not bear, it was to be confronted with feelings. Then he would go. Then he would be safe.

Without thinking she turned in his arms and pressed her lips to his. As expected, he stiffened and she waited that he would back off. When he did not do so, she tasted for at least one time in her life the softness and warmth of his mouth. He smelled like warm summer rain and leather.

When she broke the contact and looked into his eyes, her breath stopped.

There was no anger or reluctance in the green depths, no hesitation or wariness. There was only longing and a sudden realization which was similar to her own . Her breath quickened while she offered him her lips once again, although everything within her screamed that she should not do that to him.

This time he took the kiss she offered. A small sound came over her lips when he buried his hands in her hair and opened her mouth. His taste filled her senses, and the feeling of his tongue tangling with hers made her pulse jump. He had not changed into his armor when he had followed her, so she could feel every inch of his hard, muscular body pressing to her own. When he went to his knees, she followed him willingly, and he kissed her even more deeply.

She met him kiss by kiss, not able to think anymore, only to feel. Her hands were sliding under his shirt and over his bare back. His lips moved from hers over her neck to her throat, licking the rain drops from her skins. Then he pulled her dress over her shoulder and she moaned when she felt his lips and his tongue at her nipple, sucking gently.

Never had she felt more alive than in this moment, his lips and hands on her body, her skin cooled by the summer rain and warmed by his at the same time. Hectically they tried to remove each other's clothes, and when she kissed him once again, she felt him smile at her lips. Then he pulled her in his arms, helped her to throw her dress to the side, and she moaned when his strong fingers started to stroke her between her legs.

Maker, it was so long ago. She had nearly forgotten how it felt to be with a man, to be held and caressed and loved. Gasping she pressed her forehead to his shoulder while he made sure that she became damp and soft and willing under his fingers. Then he lifted her over his body and gently slid into her.

„Fenris!" Breathlessly she was grasping his neck when he started to move deep within her. His arms came around her while he kissed her, so tenderly and gently that she started to cry, stroked his face and returned the kiss passionately. Never had she felt more cherished.

„Look at me", he said roughly and took her face into his palms. „Look at me, Lauren."

Longing and lust was rising in her entire body when she did as she was told. The look on his face mirrored her own, tender and passionate at the same time, and finally she let go and allowed him to love her, touch her and please her. The climax tore through her, a shock to her senses, and he pressed her to his body and followed her, kissing her again, holding her close.

He was stroking her back while the tremors in her body finally died. She wanted to look into his eyes, but suddenly she was afraid what she would see. He seemed to sense her fear, took her face in his hands and forced her to look at him.

There was no regret in his eyes, only warmth and tenderness.

„You…", she was licking her lips anxiously, „you weren't obliged to do this…"

A dark eyebrow was raised, slowly and amused. „I know that. But it is good that you tell me again."

„Fenris…"

„Lauren", he interrupted her and stroked her hair out of her face, „for someone so clever you are sometimes extremely stupid."

A surprised laugh came over her lips. It was so typical of him that even now, while she was lying naked in his arms, he did not stop challenging her.

And that was the reason why she loved him.

Her heart stopped beating for a moment when she realized what she had just thought. Yes, she loved him. How could she have been so blind?

He leaned his head to the side, his eyes on her face. "You can go wherever you want, Lauren", he said, "but not without me."

„Since when… do you feel this way?" Her voice broke.

„You needed time", was all he answered.

She nodded and stared at him, not able to really understand that he was holding her in his arms. That he might really be…. hers, if she only allowed it. When she started talking again, her voice was rough: „I am…. broken, Fenris. Never again will I be the woman I have been."

He nodded and kissed her forehead. „Many years ago, you met an elf, Lauren, who was the same. And yet you never gave up on him, no matter how hard and far he tried to push you away." He smiled sadly, and for the first time she felt a bit of uncertainty in him and remembered that this was new for him as well. There had never been someone special in his life after Danarius had taken it from him, at least not as far as she knew. „That's the reason why I stayed", he finished quietly. „Not because of a debt or duty. Only because of you. _Always_ because of you."

A tentative smile appeared on her lips while she stroked his face and looked into his eyes. She had thought that she had lost everything which had ever mattered to her, and she had. But she had also found something beautiful and wonderful on this long and painful way and knew that her family had wanted her to hold onto it. It did not decrease her grief or her guilt. But now there was somebody who would always fight to come back to her.

There was no safety. Already tomorrow he could be plucked away from her.

And yet she did not want to live this life without taking this risk.


End file.
